*Forewarning this is an extensive post*
Hey sugarsweets,
So. A lot has been occurring, but nevertheless I have been growing and putting my best effort in doing internal work. Today I was outgoing for the most part, I reached out to my mentors, I answered phone calls, responded to emails, and even did some cleaning out of my closet on my Insta--literally, and made quite a few sales. I was sort of surprised people wanted my junk that I impulsively buy and never wear nor use.
After becoming more conscious of my habits, there will no longer be any retail therapy anytime soon, as I have equated it out of my budget for the better.
As I monitored my social media platforms--Instagram and Facebook, I immediately noticed notifications that signified something familiar to me. It was all too familiar. I questioned myself, why do people have patterns of leaving others, then coming back? What's changed since this person/these people was/were in my life then to now? How did these people impact my life while they were here? How did they make me feel before they exited my life? How do I feel now?
These were all very valid questions I had to ask myself and consider.
****Side note: I want to say I'm working through analyzing and internalizing this occurrence as I type so bare with me if my thoughts seem out of order or don't make sense. Honestly, that's fine and great because it's more for me to sort this out and make understanding out of it more than you. I just hope this helps aid in your journey currently and moving forward.
Then I thought about myself because I am guilty of doing this, especially when my love for someone is involved. I had to be truthful with myself. I can leave and come back and the person is confounded, confused, uncertain--makes sense. I cannot be critical or hold expectation as I do know people change, but why do people feel it's okay to come and go as they please? I'm speaking from a point of view that all of these people were in my life this time last year. Relatively speaking, this didn't really happen all that long ago, but I can't help but ask and wonder, why know? For them, but most importantly for myself.
Was there strain or an anxiety that distorted my or their perception? Was there a hyper-focus on the negatives so when the cost-benefit analysis was weighed, and it was a benefit to leave me or me to leave them? Okay--now I want to ask questions channeled to myself specifically and maybe my answers can provide clarity to relate to my perception of my own patterns of leaving and coming back.
What drives me away in the first place?
--my fears
What do I fear in my connections, friendships, relationships romantic and platonic?
--I fear uncertainty. I fear feeling emotionally overwhelmed. I fear my unexpected triggers (which is self sabotaging--and very toxic bc I never know when they'll come nor how I'll react--I either explode or close--currently no in-betweens, but working on this at the moment.) I fear losing myself. But most of all, I fear getting hurt the most. ( I do my best to protect myself as best as possible by literally telling myself to not get attached because it never lasts. But why do I carry my hurt like it's me? Yeah, I may have acquired some hurts on this journey, but what about now? That hurt doesn't define me. Why do I still choose to safeguard myself from my past in hopes not to get hurt--again in my present?)
*****Side journey--I read this evidence based article a few days ago about how the human brain does its best to maintain homeostasis. Meaning, our brains want to keep the same pathways, habits, and ways of thinking that are familiar to us. (Physiologically speaking, keeping us safe, but what about the bad habits or not so good thoughts we think that don't keep us safe in a literal way that can shape and influence our emotional, physical, and spiritual? That's why its so important that we consciously work towards shifting the way we think--to truly be safe, wise, and healthy for ourselves and others. It's definitely not going to be solved overnight, but with baby steps--breaking those bad habits, toxic cycles and baggage can be overcame.
So back to me being fearful of getting hurt. My brain literally wants to maintain its accustomed environment. I've been through a lot of traumatic experiences, so my brain has fixated itself to fend for itself--I call it survival mode. Now that I have more insight of how my brain functions, I can do my best to ween myself off the drugs of survival mode and self created defense mechanisms of shutting down, being dismissive, avoidant, and...well...leaving.
It's never been easy for me to leave when I think of my experiences when I chose to leave. The common denominator in my romantic situations is that I didn't want to end up hurt after giving them my vulnerability, transparency, and most importantly my heart--- it was like being in a pool and I realized that I may have went in too deep knowing I couldn't swim--to understand for my own good and I was ready to get out because of that fear..of drowning. So I felt I did those individuals a favor by removing myself to save us both. Little did I know how selfish that choice was without the other persons say. It's not that I didn't care what they had to say, I was just so consumed with making my choice and it took every ounce of me to follow through doing something I was so fearful, and yet unsure of.
I realized, I place pressure on myself to be as close to perfect as possible and that has everything to do with how I grew up and internalized the reward of love from my mother. I realized not only do I place pressure on myself--but when I feel under pressure, I make rash decisions that aren't always reasonable, ideal, or what I truly feel to do. I'm not using my God given gift of discernment or wisdom in times like these, and diamonds are not the only things made under pressure. I've produced a lot of pebbles. Which leads me into my next analysis of my disappointment in my decisions and I do my best to accept my choice, but there's so much sorrow I have it's so close to being regret. A place I never want to be. I realize how emotionally attached and invested I truly was and continue to be--once again being honest with myself, but I still feel guilty. I just do my best to deal with it as time goes on, but only so much time and so much space I can take until...I break. I break down and I accept how I truly feel, meanwhile--the other people have already gotten the message and moved on to a certain to degree where boundaries are made, and so is their minds. I decide to put action to my internal feelings and just go for it, I come back in hopes that they'd accept me with open arms as they once did.
And I just realized, am I romanticizing the idea of leaving--whether it's me or them?
No really, I loved those movies, tv shows, plays, anything that portrayed the main love interests separating, then someway..someday..somehow reuniting their union and accepting how everything was all a huge mistake and that what they had was always and always will be true love after they confess their love and truths to one another. And possibly live happily ever after. What makes me drawn to that situation is the intensity, the drama, the passion, the confessions. It's what I'm attracted to because I can feel it the most. If intensity of emotions and feelings were a sound, I want it loud..blaring.
I'm attracted to high intensity, high emotion driven connections and relationships because of my emotional handicap of feeling. That goes all the way back to my childhood. Not being able to express myself, dismissed, undervalued and the way I learned how my parents interacted--I thought that was love. This all can be very toxic to anyone I have relations with because I'll want that, or I'll subconsciously create a catalyst to make that situation arise and it all goes back to the homeostatic nature of my brain--I've been conditioned. But recognizing and facing these things must be done in order for me to grow and unlearn/uncondition these very toxic traits.
When I come back, it's more than me missing someone. I awaken all parts of me to possibly dive deep with them again--if they allow me to. It's like me reminding myself that I am more than capable to swim in the deep.
But why can't I realize this when I'm in the heat of the initial moment? Oh yeah, that's right-- self imposed pressure and expectation--leading to rash decisions--leading to disappointment and makeshift coping with decision--to romanticizing the idea of leaving and being embraced, welcomes back as if nothing happened due to my attraction to high intensity/dramatic situations and encounters to fulfill what I perceive as love.
How selfish, but also broken--and hurt. I believe I'm onto something, and I really believe I'm on the verge of a breakthrough of truly and completely being healed. God is faithful and if He could see me to this, I know He will see me through it. I read a scripture this morning (Isaiah 43:2 KJV) I wrote a note to God on the Bible app that said:
"Lord, why did I always take your work for face value and only thought you were talking literally, physically. I know you'll protext me from these things, but spirtually and even emotionally/mentally you know how much more dangerous the waters, the rivers, and the fires are..
Whatever and whenever I go through, you are there and I won't ever be touched nor consumed. Thank you for keeping me safe, I really am untouchable in Christ <3"
I'm going to keep going with this, but I am so abundantly thankful I was able to point out my own patterns. So tying this all in my perception as to viewing others leaving my life to come back into it--I believe discernment is key, but also forgiveness. Forgiven them for what they've done and weigh your costs. Am I willing to allow this person back into my life, why or why not? Has this person contributed positively or negatively to my overall growth? Is my pool closed, or is there pool closed? Do I have expectations of them? How will I handle opening up the pool for them? What are my choices, and when I choose, will I feel comfortable and satisfied and safe in my decision?
To those whom would like to reenter my life, I ask that you place no expectation on me as I have grown and continue to since you've known me last. I have boundaries now, and I want to feel safe and comfortable in my decisions. I'm open to discussing the past, but that is no longer who I am nor choose to be. I'm currently correcting and checking myself to be responsible for my own actions and feelings moving forward; and I will no longer blame others for my predicaments. I release expectations to be free to enjoy things for what they are rather than what I think they should be--that's a limitation and I want the fullness. I forgive you, as I hope you come to forgive me.
I love you all, and if you made it to the end; I have a special place in my heart for you. Thank you, let's all be well. It's Time for Tea.
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