I don’t want to come on here cussing, but this is my own platform and well...damn. I’m really going through it.
I’ve had the most people come and go within the past 11 months than I’ve ever had in my entire life. I’m not sure if it’s a lesson for me or a blessing. From my long term ex to friends to even family. I do my best to work through the pain, but it does get to me in the moments when I spend time with myself, my thoughts and spirit.
I've overcome so much thus far, but there is so much to go and I cannot deny the fact I still feel broken inside. My tears won’t drop until I’m just about reaching my breaking point. Crying used to be my best release and now I can’t cry for anything even if I want to.
Ive been doing a lot of moving and possibly have been meeting people and dealing with things that were never meant for me in the first place. I’ve been doing what I want to do for a bit now and I see where it’s gotten me. I want to strengthen my spirit with God and reconnect with him as I once was before because I think I’m drifting off into the wrong things. The last thing I want to do is be in the wrong place at the wrong time. But the thing about God is that He isn’t going to pressure you to talk to him or spend time with him or even give him an ounce of attention. He patiently waits for you the entire time and when you finally acknowledge Him, He never keeps score as in gloating “I told you so”. He would and could never. thats the most beautiful thing I have come to know in my years of living here on earth.
I want everything that is for me and nothing less than that. I see my self control and discipline have allowed me to be capable of waiting and willing to be patient. I don’t want to settle for convenience or comfort out of loneliness. I have a hunger and drive for my blessings, but just because I may say no or pass on something doesn’t mean I’m not hungry—I’m just waiting for what is for me And not reaching outside of anything more or less than that.
That leads us into the importance of Boundaries. Lately I’ve been incorporating boundaries of what I will and won’t tolerate. Possibly this is why people that were never meant for me have been exiting my space and life because their anterior motives were never pure or with common benefit. Regardless, boundaries help me remain grounded in my being knowing who I am and what I stand for and I will not compromise for your convenience. It’s the foundation of maturity that I’ve lacked for some time. Growing up, I made It my duty to please others, but It didn’t please me. Nonetheless, I continued until it really hurt me and I began to introspect why I felt the way I did. It’s all because I didn’t have boundaries, I’d just do whatever it took.
Now at this point im realizing how much I’m typing on my phone and I’m not sure what other direction I wanted to take this, but I hope you receive something from this message. I’m still figuring this out, but take what you will.
Know that you are resilient and more than capable and most importantly loved so much. Tell your loved ones that you do love them and put that pride aside and reach out to them. They can only be strong for so long, look out for them, be there for them.
Take Care and have a cup of Tea.
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