Is it just me or does your spirit keep you up at night until you do finish what is needed of you?
Today, I've been wanting to go back to bed ever since I woke up this morning, but I couldn't because I had work to do--literally. A full day was ahead of me and penciling in 10 more minutes to lay back down wasn't realistic if I wanted to be productive and hold myself accountable. I had to stick to the plan, and I did, every step of the day and even a little bit extra. I've been going through this phase of not really having an appetite lately, so by the end of the day when I returned home, all I had eaten was a banana and a granola bar followed by several bottles of water.
I was exhausted.
Slightly irritated.
Ready to fall asleep rather than the abyss of emotion I was partially ducking and dodging. (I say partially because I did have moments of mindfulness throughout my day and explored different options and outcomes).
Instead I cried. I gave myself time to throw my fit, to kick rocks, and then came back to do my best to understand why I was feeling the way I did and what I could do about it.
This is so new to me.
Not too long ago, my process would end at me throwing the fit (reacting) then kicking those rocks (leaving/abandoning the situation and my feelings).
I spent time with myself and realized my day wasn't over. I wanted to watch a movie, and a specific one at that. I actually didn't even know it was a movie. I saw this screenshot and I thought it was absolutely beautiful:
A young black man saying to a young black woman, "My heart has chosen you, and I follow my heart."
I can talk about that specifically ALL DAY, but that wasn't my intended purpose for this post. It wasn't until a close friend of mine, told me that it was a movie and that it's called the The City of God the name alone intrigued me, of course I wanted to know more. He filled me in briefly stating that it was a good movie that he had to watch for his cinema class. Mind you this was a few days ago. I wanted to watch it as soon as he told me, but I never took the time out to do so until today.
Fast forward, the movie moves me--metaphorically and literally, There's so my layers to it you'd think its an onion. I digress, I didn't feel the movie. I don't feel ready to, even though I have less that 30 minutes left. I felt pulled to do something else, as I did, but I got distracted. Mindlessly scrolling, and then I stopped myself. I had my one on one pep talk and here I am. Because I simply want to. Not a single word that I type is in vain, without purpose, nor forced. I want to be here, writing, releasing, breathing.
I feel a lot better now than I did before I logged on here tonight on Time for Tea. And maybe it's exactly that.
That tugging, that restlessness I encountered was meant to bring me here to deliver this indirect, yet direct message. It's okay to become who you want to be, but it's also okay to do what you're good at. I have a passion for writing, well I'd say expressing myself in words because they truthfully don't come out at articulately organized and scholarly.
I love imperfect grammar, mostly because I never understood the mess in school when it came to proper writing etiquette and I'd always get points off for the wrong tense or something like that. Regardless, I believe I am a writer at heart, and that's what I needed to put my efforts into before I lay down to rest for the day.
I won't ever forget in the Word it says that when we are faithful over what we are given, God will give us more to be faithful over. We as believers must put in the work, consistency and have patience throughout the process of faith--because as we're doing that--God is increasing what is to come for us. Yup that's right, that abundance.
1 Corinthians 2:9 King James Version (KJV)
9 But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.
I gotta keep going, and you do too!
I hope this helps you all, stay encouraged.
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